Psychiatric Hotline

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer....
If you are a Republican presidential candidate of the religious right, stay on the line, and God will tell you what to do next.

parent